In the depths of the stomach

In the depths of my stomach lies a dark spiky ball that causes debilitating things to happen to my body. It’s very existence alien but at the same time all too familiar. It can and does still rattle me to my very core. It is like a nasty presence waiting to drop by at unexpected times. Sometimes this mass grows until it succumbs my entire abdomen, suppressing my appetite and paralysing me to the very spot. It can hold me in its grasp, control and manipulate me, flashing frightening images and provoking scary thoughts. This mass can also creep up into my chest, deflate my lungs whilst I desperately grasp for air. It’s very presence delicately caressing every single part of me. It lets me know it’s there, that it’s in charge. It makes me feel woozy, makes my heart thud that bit quicker and louder. Makes me feel like I’m on the cusp of death, teasing me then slowly bringing me back to reality. My body reacts like it instinctively does when under attack. I can vomit and sweat profusely like a poison is flowing throw my veins and the body wants rid of it. It can take many forms, each as real and deforming as the next. This ball is not physical in appearance but is still very real. I’m not the only one to possess it but it is unique to each individual. Could it destroy me? Yes. Could it kill me? Yes. Is it all bad? No. I only started recognising its very existence a mere 15 years ago although being honest it made its presence known a long time before that. I don’t think I could properly articulate its meaning until I grew older. It is essentially a part of me now and can wain in and wain out at any given moment. The reason I can talk so openly about it is because I got to a certain stage whereby I acknowledge its existence but I do not let it succumb me entirely. Clinically it goes by the name Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Low Mood Disorder or in layman’s terms Anxiety and Depression. So how do I feel writing those two words that still carry a lot of stigma? Liberating, not only for me but for everybody else who suffers with mental illness.

In the past 15 years whilst readily acknowledging my mental illnesses, one thing I have learnt to be true is that there is no shame in being mentally ill. Ignorance and fear exists due to a lack of education. All this fuels the stigma. I am at the stage where I’m not afraid to be vocal about my experiences. I’m very aware that some people are not at the same stage as me and I know how truly frightening and real it is. I’ve been through a lot of treatment over the years both psychologically and medically. I’ve also made sense of things in my own head and even though it still exists in me, I no longer let it control me. I don’t ignore it but simply acknowledge it. I ride out the panic attacks and let them pass. I check in with myself and ask how I am really feeling. I take note of those subtle alarm bells going off in my body and put the skills I have learnt into place. Be it, reducing my triggers or checking in with my GP or mental health team.

Can I manage its existence all the time? No. I can still feel extremely low, think things that are completely irrational, cry until no more tears would come, howl from the pain in the pit of my stomach, push my loved ones away, be frightened to my core and contemplate my very existence and place in this world. I’ve dangled my feet at the point of no return. I’ve also felt the immense pain of loosing someone close to me to suicide. I’ve felt like I couldn’t go on. So I assume you are wondering why am I still here? Honestly there is simply no one definite answer. I suppose I’m here because I reached out for help and in that, I could start making sense of the whirlwind in my head and the numbness in my body. I also experienced something that I never thought I would, complete and utter joy. I had glimpses, small ones of light cracking through a dark crevice. I started to understand who I am and why I think and feel certain ways about things. I’ve met fellow humans each going through a variety of different forms of mental illness and realised that they are some of the nicest people I have ever met. Talking in a safe and controlled environment with others feeling like I feel made me realise, I am not a monster, I am not a freak. Although I can still get those very bad days I no longer regret going through what I have. It’s made me the person I am today and you know what I’m happy with that person. So what if I express my emotions or am too “sensitive” or empathetic. I rather care too much than not care at all.

For anyone reading this who is all too familiar with that dark spiky ball, I am not here to dictate to you or tell you what to do. All I can simply say is I understand. I am true, living proof that things can get better and that there is another way out that doesn’t include ending your life. The right support is out there albeit requiring a bit of searching but there is some fantastic services available to us nowadays and stigma is being reduced. Don’t be ashamed of being you. Also don’t feel ashamed in feeling how you feel. Those feelings are very true and real. Be kind to yourself and to others as some people are fighting a gruelling fight each and everyday but have become experts at hiding it.

I know it can feel very daunting reaching out for help, knowing who to trust especially when feeling that everything around you is crumbling away. In my years of going through mental illness I have learned more and more about the fantastic services available out there. Pieta House in particular are a fantastic organisation for all ages and are located around the country. If you or a loved one feel like you just can't go on anymore please contact Pieta House, here is a link to their contact phone numbers


  1. 11th June 2017 / 8:23 PM

    Thank you so much for writing this, although I’m in a better place mentally now by going through my triggers and knowing that it’s only a panic attack and I’m not having heart failure. It still helps to know there are other people going through it and I’m sure this will help so many not feel alone

    • apalershadeofbeauty
      14th June 2017 / 12:30 PM

      Nickki I am so sorry for not getting back to you sooner. I don’t know why but some comments on the blog don’t alert me, that and my hubby will click approve comment and will forget to tell me to respond to it. I know serious words will be had! Lol.

      I am so happy that my little story resonated with you and has made you feel not so alone. Panic attacks can be frightening and I’ve been there myself when I thought that’s it I’m having a heart attack. They can be truly violent. Learning your triggers and implementing methods to deal with an attack i.e. healthy distraction techniques, repeating positive affirmations and deep breathing into a paper bag etc is vital. The key is to let it pass without throwing coal onto the fire. Anxiety can be a tough cycle to break. I hope you are doing ok now x

  2. 11th June 2017 / 5:58 PM

    I have read A’s work before. With respect to all previous work, this knocks the socks of previous work.
    I’ve done this. Done what? Exposed myself in terms of Mental Health. It’s not easy. It’s not hard. It’s damn hard. It’s a measure of the girls strength,

    Initially, I was a little blonde (!) reading this piece thinking “what is this spiky ball”, “the poor girl”, “another diagnosis”. NO! We have a great analogy to Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Depression, very serious conditions From there the expressive text continures, but we get real,raw reality, examples of depression are clearly provided including losing a friend to suicide.

    However then there is a little shade of beauty(all puns intended) there’s recovery and light and hope and information about the incredible Pieta House

    I have a very good feeling about a positive future

    Incredible blog entry. Mixture of emotions and with my story so similar, very difficult to read, but optimistic at the the climax.


    • apalershadeofbeauty
      11th June 2017 / 6:30 PM

      Wow, that’s all I can say Aidan. Your comment has blown the socks off me and has literally left me leaking a clear substance from my eyes. They are happy tears of course.

      I wrote this piece to help myself and others make even a little sense of what anxiety and depression is like. The words just came flowing for me. Yes it’s a bit nerve wracking putting all your intimate thoughts in a blog piece for the whole world to see but I’m not ashamed of what I have and continue to go through. If one person, like yourself reads this post and thinks you know what? This girl gets it? Then I’m very happy. If it helps in some little way to break the stigma or give someone confidence to reach out for help then everything I’ve been through has been worth it.

      Thank you for taking the time out to write such a glowing response. I really appreciate it.

I would love to hear what you think by commenting below.